Em’s 12 point guide to the first six weeks of motherhood

1) Dry shampoo will become your new best friend.

2) Daytime TV will destroy your soul. Be prepared and have many, many box sets available. Breastfeeding can take a looooooong time.

3) Holding your baby and breastfeeding results in eating one-handed. This means you must forsake foods such as toast (unless it’s just me who finds spreading butter impossible to do without two hands). When out for lunch you will probably feel like a moron when your friend has to cut up your meal for you, but this does mean you get to eat when she does so who cares?

4) You will discover there are two types of visitors: those that bring food and those that don’t. If possible, say yes to all visitors (don’t discriminate) because you never know who will bring food: such as my dad who cooked me vats and vats of pea and ham soup. Never thought he had it in him. My bad.

5) Baby books will tell you to always say yes when people offer to help with household duties such as cleaning and laundry. This is all very well and good but come on, who are these magical cleaning creatures? As mentioned in point four people will supply you with food, but no one offers to wash your sheets. Which brings me to my next point …

6) Can you blame people for avoiding your and your baby’s filthy bed or cot sheets? Babies vomit, poo and wee everywhere. These bodily functions will infiltrate and you will wash … con.stant.ly. If it’s your baby’s mess, it’s not as bad as it sounds. Us humans are adaptable things.

7) If you have a carrycot pram then a pillow protector should be able to fit around the mattress. This $15 will become the best investment you ever made. On second thoughts, maybe the best investment is the dry shampoo in point one.

8) People want to hold your baby and will patiently wait for you to remember to ask. After which they will bound over tables to grab at him. It feels damn good to be the giver of joy so why not offer to everyone?

9) Selective hearing comes in handy when people give you advice about how you should care for your baby. Do what works for you.

10) Join a mothers’ group, but don’t dwell on the fact that you know more about the babies’ bowel movements and sleeping patterns than the mothers’ interests and career choices.

11) Don’t feel like your relationship is falling apart because by the time your partner has come home from work you have eaten dinner, are talking in monosyllabic sentences and just want to shower and go straight to bed. There are many moments where you both gaze in awe at this little person and say: “look what we created. He’s so cute, He’s so cute.” The two of you will also find him just as funny as an Arrested Development, Parks and Recreation or 30 Rock episode. Okay, maybe not quite as funny as a Parks and Recreation episode – that show is genius.

12) Despite the current trend of poo pooing motherhood and everyone commiserating together about the challenges and struggles, you will be happy/proud/amazed/*insert other joyful adjectives here* and it will become hard to believe you ever had a life without him.

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Comments
6 Responses to “Em’s 12 point guide to the first six weeks of motherhood”
  1. Lisa says:

    Great piece Em, some very valuable advice here! 🙂

  2. Dot says:

    Positively wonderful post Em! I promise next time I’ll bring food!! 😉

  3. emsalkild says:

    Oh Dot. This post has made me seem so ungrateful 😦 you’re the third friend to bring up the food thing. Eek. Anyway, I didn’t need food in hospital. I loved your visit and you have spoilt us all rotten with pot plants, nappies and gorgeous presents. Thank you 🙂 let’s do lunch again soon. You can cut up my food for me again – hehe x

  4. Elisa says:

    Haha! Loved this! The dry shampoo becomes even more important when you have two! Genius invention! 🙂

  5. emsalkild says:

    Thanks Elisa. I should get shares in dry shampoo 😉

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